My first thought when I woke up this morning was "Where are we going to for breakfast?". We usually go somewhere to gorge ourselves with food on the weekends. But I decided to make breakfast for a change. The choice was pancakes or oatmeal. Everybody chose pancakes so that's what I made for them, but I made oatmeal for myself. I made enough for two people for some reason, but only ate a fourth of it all. That stuff fills me up quick.

Lunch was a salad and the last of the fried okra in the freezer. Dinner was a bowl of cereal and chocolate cake which is not good. But as a whole, today has been tame in comparison to other days. I did forget to weigh myself this morning tho. I probably won't do it tomorrow either since I see myself rushing out the door to get to physical therapy on time at 9am.

I spent the day cleaning up, so that's been my exercise for the day.

Originally published at fatblog.digsite.

I'm feeling ready to pick up my weight loss efforts where I left it off at. Thankfully, last I checked, I hadn't regained anything. That was more than 3 weeks ago tho, and I think I've been pigging out quite a bit during that time.

So I'll try to remember to weigh myself in the morning and go from there.

I signed up to sparkpeople.com. It's free. :) and pretty nice for free.

Originally published at fatblog.digsite.

It's been so hard to snap back in the last 2 days. I'm beginning to wonder if I should call the happy pills lady and ask for a dose increase. All my motivation has been zapped and I'm struggling to rebuild it. It's harder today than it had been in the past few weeks.

So I wonder if I'm still not un-depressed enough.

But anyway, today is a slow work day and I really need to get a couple things moving with my projects and if I don't start, I'm going to get more down & out. I've done enough dawdling for one morning.

I'm going to try to re-motivate myself. I think a call to the pillz lady might not be a bad idea... but I'm going to wait a couple days...

We'll see.

Originally published at digsite.net.

Jada: Looking at Appa's leftover flap where his nutts used to live "Ooh, look at that mommy. It's all red."

Me: "Yea that's from his operation."

Jada: "You mean the one so he doesn't make any babies?"

Me: "Yea. There's too many puppies around that nobody wants so we can't make anymore babies. Bullet had the same operation too."

Jada starts thinking really hard about something and then ...

Jada: "Who's that guy you said made the animals and the grass and all the stuff?"

Me: I had only mentioned god once to her so I was surprised... "You mean God?"

Jada: "Yea. How did he make all that stuff?"

Me: Completely unversed in this god stuff but not wanting to say something wrong.. "he just said 'let there be dogs' and there were dogs. and 'let there be cats' and there was cats."

I think she was trying compare how dogs make a baby with a flap (and she doesn't know about sex yet) and how "that guy" made animals out of thin air. In other words, she was trying to put a square peg into a round hole. I'll have to ask her what her Jada logic has decided on.

Originally published at digsite.net.

I've been getting better at forcing myself to get the F off my ass and get shit done around the house.

After not getting a lot of quality sleep on saturday and sunday night and feeling like I didn't have much of a weekend, I pretty much felt "shut down" yesterday morning. I felt bad because I had plans for what would get done this weekend and it wasn't looking like any of it would get done. To make things worse, the house was getting more wrecked. But at 6pm I got off my ass and started hosing down the patio. I didn't' want to do it, but as soon as I started, I was OK. Dennis helped with the yardwork I wanted done and we pulled some humongous 5 foot tall weeds. My allergies have been worse then ever. And the mosquito situation out there has been just horrible. I sent D to Home Depot to get mosquito larvae killer for our neighbor's pool. The place is boarded up and the water in that pool is green. There's no question that's where the mosquitos are coming from.

I emptied the entire package of 6 tables into the pool. Threw them over the fence and they all landed in the water. I hope that does it. Between that, the candles, the zapper, and the fogger, the mosquito problem should get better. Fingers crossed. I'm thinking of getting the kind that floats on the water tho. Those seem like they'd be more effective since nothing is churning the water.

So anyway his morning it was too hard to get going and I felt like I was getting sick. Thankfully, the feeling passed by 1pm. My allergies have been whooping my ass and sometimes it's hard to tell if it's really not a cold coming on. And after doing a little yardwork yesterday, I had to take 2 benadryl to feel normal.

But today I felt my ass dragging so bad. I know I have a lot to get done and it seemed impossible to get moving. Well finally at around 4pm I got moving.

Mr. Happy's tank is getting cleaned again, laundry is moving, dishes are going, and the vacuum will be coming out before dark. At some point (hopefully today) I have to go order a birthday cake at publix. I wanted to get that done yesterday, but I'm not superwoman.

But everything always feels better when I'm making progress. And I'm making progress now so... I'm feeling better and more awake.

After Sunday, I'm going to focus on making the little room an office. Gotta get that done.

Originally published at digsite.net.

And although I feel like maybe I have, my clothes don't fit any better and the scale says the same thing it has been saying for months. 177lbs. That's still 10 lbs down. That, thankfully, hasn't changed despite having gorged myself with food a couple times.

I haven't set a new 5lb goal in a long time because I'm just not ready. All my motivations of late have been directed at other things like cleaning and decluttering the house.

One thing has changed tho. Since my shoulder surgery left me unable to keep food down for the first 2 days post op, I had been eating a lot of salads. That hasn't helped with my chronic constipation, but maybe it's helping to debloat myself somehow.

I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing until I'm ready to do more.

Originally published at fatblog.digsite.

And that's a day where you know you should be booking it to get shit done, but you are just dragging ass so bad. All I want to do is lay on the couch with a pillow and a blanket up to my neck and watch bad movies all day.

But goddammit if I don't get in gear I'm going to hate myself this time next week. Sigh....

Originally published at digsite.net.

So I might as well write something in here about how the surgery went.

In the days leading up to the the surgery, I was nervous and even thinking about the possibility that I might die on the table. But on the day of, I wasn't scared. Nervous, but not scared.

Anyways... I got there and waited a while with Dennis and the kids. When I thought they might be ready to grab me, Dennis & the kids went on their way. They weren't even in the car yet when they did grab me. I got changed into an ass-less gown, hooked up to IVs and heart monitors, and drugged up. They gave me a double dose because (I guess) I wasn't getting drowsy enough.

I was wide awake when they rolled me into the OR. I think there were 5 people in there in full surgery garb. Masked and covered up from head to toe in green. If my doctor was in there, I didn't recognize him. They made me breath into a nasty smelling mask and told me it was oxygen, then they squeezed some crap resembling lube in my mouth and made me swallow it, then they put the mask back on me.

What happened next is what surprised the shit out of me. I was wide awake with the mask over my face waiting for the drowsy to start. I must have taken 2 breathes. Next thing I know, I wake up in recovery. I do remember somewhere in between when a tube was taken out of my throat. I think that's when I woke up, or just before. But who knows. When I did wake up, I was wide awake. I don't remember any period of grogginess. That complete loss of time shocks me. I don't think I've been put under like that before.

But anyway, the pain between that friday night and saturday night was pretty bad. I threw up a couple times, unable to keep food down so I didn't eat a lot. Lost 3 lbs in 3 days. Funny. Oh and the full body itching!!! But by Sunday morning I could feel that whatever leftover anesthetic was gone. I didn't need to take anymore pain meds after that.

My range of motion in the arm isn't good. Worse that it was before the surgery, but that's because of the brutality of the procedure. Now I'm going to physical therapy and I can feel the motion coming back slowly. Anything else I add beyond this point is pure useless filler.

I got some cool pics tho!. Gotta put those up on this blog sometime.

Originally published at digsite.net.

After dinner

I pull out the "big surprise" dessert of raisin oatmeal cookie batter from the freezer.

Kids: "oooh" "ahhhhh"

Me: I get the cookie sheet out and start washing it.

Jada: "Mommy, don't we have to read the directions?"

Me: "Yes, the instructions are on the back."

Jada: "hahahah" Laughing with that your-such-an-idiot laugh of hers "... I know they're on the back, mommy. The instructions are always on the back."



Earlier. In the car on the way home from the park


Jada: "Mommy, where's your mommy?"

Me: "My mommy is gone, Jada. She died a loooong time ago."

Jada: "Huh?"

Me: "You know how long ago she died? When I was three years old like Maya."

Jada: "Uh, mommy... You can't say dead, that's a bad word."

Me: "No, it's not."

Jada: "Remember when I was saying dead and you said not to say it anymore because it's bad?"

Me: "Jada, I didn't say it was bad. I just don't want you to talk about dying all the time. But dead isn't a bad word. It's just not good to talk about being dead all the time, ok?"

Minutes later when we get out of the car.... Jada runs to the mailbox and steps out onto the street in front of it.

Me: "Jada, where are you standing? I told you to stay on the grass."

Jada: "Well, I'm getting the mail..."

Me: "Jada, cars run past here really fast and if you're standing on the street, you might get squashed."

Jada: "Hellooo!! You're talking about dead again. If I get squashed by a car then it's going to scrunch me like like ... like a cardboard!"

Originally published at digsite.net.

Caption: "A elephant has a chrungck too jringck wotr and hold sttuf"

*Sent from my iPhone

Originally published at digsite.net.

*Sent from my iPhone
--Apple

Originally published at digsite.net.

A: Oh, I dunno... Ok, I guess.

I'm alive. Finally decided when J & M's birthday party would be. Sent out invites to J's classmates. And started a little of the preparations which involves some house cleaning and repair. I don't want to be overly embarrassed by the state of the house on party day. More importantly, I don't want to have it on my mind at all that day.

Other than that, I'm counting down hte days to my arthroscopic surgery on Friday. Can't wait to get it done. This week, brushing my hair became painful. So it's still getting worse. I just hope the doctor doesn't leave my arm paralyzed or something. (not to self: "think positively!")

I am also on a bit of a mission to address some things at home (house wise) and at work that have gotten really old. Projects that have been dragging for months and months. Just tired of not giving any of those things finality. It's still a pain to get going, but it's become a bigger pain not to get going. So the bigger pain has been having a bigger impact on what gets done.

Marriage wise.. it's been OK. D and I had our first visit with the therapist as a couple last week. That was scary. I didn't know what we'd talk about but the topic that did come up would have been better served left alone. I was doing OK thinking ahead, not behind. I just hope that I can find a way to put those things back into the BACK of the closet. Not there yet. But anyway...

At least the wheels are turning, instead of sitting collecting cob webs and rust.

Originally published at digsite.net.

Not that I like getting sliced into by men with knives but GODDAM am I happy that my right shoulder problem is going to be fixed soon. I'm SO tired of living with an arm I can only use painlessly 50% of the time.

In 2 weeks I go in for outpatient surgery. I SOO can't wait! I don't care if it hurts like a bitch afterwards. The important thing is it's F'ing getting fixed ! yippee!!

Originally published at digsite.net.

Over the past couple years, my right shoulder has been giving me trouble. At first it was a little painful to lift my arm up and back to get my hand in my pants pocket. Then over the months it's gotten worse and now I can't even wipe my ass with my right hand or pull my underwear or pants on. And bras are impossible. I've gotten good at using my left arm to do it all.

So I finally took my ass to see an orthepedic surgeon this week and got a couple x-rays. He says it's a calcium deposit, but all I could see was this marble sized thing in between the bones in the joint.

Before scheduling the arthroscopic surgery, the man wanted an MRI so I went yesterday to get that done. MRIs, I thought, were supposed to be easy. You just lay there and meditate while the machine does its thing. Well this was my first time but apparently I'm not a still breather. I thought I was really still but the technician said I was moving too much. I'm not sure I could have done anything short of stopping my heart to be more still. Man that was a pain in the ass.

The cool thing is I got the pictures on a cd and looked at them on my laptop. I have no clue what I'm seeing, but something don't look right on one of them.

Originally published at digsite.net.

While helping Maya get her pajamas on for bed...

Me: "...arms up..."

Maya: Raises arms

Me: Pull her shirt off over her head

Maya: "Wook mommy, I big giwl now. I got boobies."

Me: Looks over to see Maya pointing at her toddler nipples.

Originally published at digsite.net.

So I called my psychatric nurse lady yesterday as she requested and told her how drug S has been affecting me over the last few days. She said cut the dosage in half. So I am.

The grogginess has been gone since Wednesday, but my ability to think straight was shot. Today is better. We'll see how this goes. I might have to got down half of half. But anyways...

I don't have a lot to talk about. Because being unable to think straight has been the main focus for me lately. Which is ironic. I'm focusing on not being able to focus. Or concentrating on my lack of concentration. Thank God I'm not dosing myself.

Originally published at digsite.net.

In the last 3 days, despite feeling like a post-invasion human, I've done a bit of cleaning up around the house especially the kids rooms (now room - singular ). Between their unwanted toys and clothes, and Dennis' and my unwanted books, clothes and shoes, we filled up 9 big boxes for goodwill. 9 boxes + 4 big items = 28 "things" purged.

Today the entire day was spent on laundry. I think the total number of loads worked on comes to 6. And I did the first 2 in slooow motion.

I'm confused how I didn't sleep all that well waking up all night but I felt like I could have slept all morning. On previous nights, I've slept like the dead on that drug. I took today off from work which is just as well considering how useless I was and could barely concentrate on laundry. I just hope tomorrow I don't feel as tired as I've been all week.

So back to housework... next I will probably turn my focus towards the paper mess on the kitchen table. We haven't eaten at that table in months because of the stacks and stacks of papers. Bills, statements, mail, etc. Just crap. After that's cleared, we can give away that table and buy a new one. It's falling apart.

Originally published at digsite.net.

I think ... that the next few days will be spent groggy. It's that damned Seroquel. I took 25mg Friday night, 50mg last night, as instructed, and will be taking 50mg every night for a few days until either this grogginess goes away like she said it would, or I decide it's not worth taking.

Yesterday I had to pass out on a couch at work for an hour or more because I just couldn't stay awake. Today I slept till 10am which is unheard of even on the weekends. I always wake up at 7am and might stay in bed till 8 but not because I didn't hear the kids and was dead, like a log, in bed.

I've been up for an hour and still feel out of it. My head hurts, I think my eyes are hurting too.. and I'm working on making coffee. Maybe that'll wake me up a little. But even two coffees didn't do that for me yesterday. We'll see.

When I got home yesterday, I was still really tired but I made myself clear the floor in the kids room. Using what I call the "Langolier Decluttering" method I came up with last week. Ok, now I'm sounding like a nutcase. But anyway it was meant as a joke when I came up with it, but the concept applies. I'm basically getting rid of, as the Langoliers do in that Stephen King movie "The Langoliers", all the crap that is past its usefulness and this includes toys, clothes, furniture, just anything. But the key is that it must be done indiscrimately and fast.

There was so much shit on the floor I decided to use a rake to push it all out into the hallway and then into the piano room area (still don't know what to call that area). I had the kids pick thru it all. I was just soo tired so I sat and watched. I gave them each jobs. Jada put socks and clothes in the white basket, Maya put markers and crayons in pile, Maya put toys in two boxes, Maya put hangers in a pile, Jada put garbage in the trash, so on and so forth.

After a while of this, they decided they didn't want to do it anymore and were whining and acting all melodramatic as if picking one more thing from the floor was just the worst thing I could ask them to do anymore and OH GOD NOOO, I JUST CAN'T .... So I just threw everything else in the trash. They got forewarned and decided they didn't care. So neither did I.

Today I think I'll work on clothes. Out of the 12 metric ass tons of clothes they have in their dressers and closets, I think about 30% of it fits them anymore. It will all be going out the door today. Langolier method indeed. They have so much clothes, there are piles on shelves, and garbage bagfulls on the floor in the closets. I can't get thru it all today. Sigh, that's such a big job to tackle. I'm wearing myself out just thinking about it. Crap, I'm gonna need lotsa boxes.

Originally published at digsite.net.

So I had my first appointment with the psychiatric nurse practioner yesterday despite losing a tire in the middle of the Sawgrass Expressway (just went flat, but the shaking was so violent I thought the entire wheel had come loose). She saw me later that evening.

I had made the appointment last week when the depression was much worse. I felt I couldn't live that way anymore so I had decided I had no choice but to start taking anti-depressants again. I did start feeling better Tuesday night, but I went to see her anyway. She talked and asked me questions for 1 hour and 45 minutes. I liked her a lot, she took her time with me and also explained a couple things about medication. She also said she thinks I've been depressed my entire life. I'll call it Depression BM (Before Miami), high school may have been iffy but college was good, and then there was Depression AB (After Birth of babies).

So I started on the lowest dose of Effexor XR this morning and will be moving up over time. And she put me on a low dose of Seroquel which was what the last head doctor put me on 2 years ago when the prozac turned me into a raving lunatic. I said "but that's an anti-psychotic". And she said "but what you described about 'xyz' is the beginnings of psychosis". lol!

So I'm psychotic. No really the 'xyz' is serious, but imo not so serious so I kinda don't agree with her even tho she's the expert and I'm not. Maybe I don't think so now because I'm still depressed and I like the 'xyz'. Lets see how I feel about it later tho. It's also supposed to help with my growing anxiety too, which I don't like and wouldn't mind getting rid of asap. She also told me that working a night shift is out of the question for me. Absolutely can't do it again and she'll sign whatever she has to get me out of working it in the future. I did it voluntarily, but she said disruption sleep pattern is the worst thing ever for someone like me.

I thought I had more to say here but my mind suddenly went blank. And I'm tired. So that's it. I hope the end of my shift today comes quickly.

Originally published at digsite.net.

That's how I feel rignt now. Pumped, but stuck at the start line.

You know how you crouch down and "get set" for a running race and just wait until in anticipation for the signal to GO!. That's how I feel right now. I'm ready to do shit, but I just can't get started.

I have too many paths in front of me and I can't pick one and GO.

Originally published at digsite.net.